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Eating Disorders After Weight Loss Surgery

Struggling to Maintain Balance

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Eating Disorders After Weight Loss Surgery



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November 25th, 2006

(no subject)

Today at treatment, they weighed me for the second time since ive been here... thats one week today.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I DID chow down, and they weighed me after breakfast.
The only excercise Ive been allowed all week was one short hike on thanksgiving and one restorative yoga class.
My body has NO interest in going back to where it came from!

My Inner dialogue was interesting.
My healthy side said:
Good, you can eat and maintain your weight.
My unhealthy side said:
Good, because then when they let you actually excercise (not OVER, just healthy amounts), Youll drop weight.
Then my healthy side said:
Good, then you can eat more!

November 23rd, 2006

(no subject)

Hey Beauties,
As you all know, Im in treatment right now...
Im hitting TONS of walls, mostly dealing with feeling like nobody knows what I weigh, because they only weigh us once or twice a week... and im freaking out about it.
Im also feeling very very stuck... like... physically... they alarm out doors at night and its not that I WOULD go anywhere, but the fact that I CANT freaks me out.
Im scared to death to gain, but know im not supposed to lose...
I was helping in the kitchen tonight to prepare Thanksgivingness, and I saw calorie counts and had to leave.
I love all you guys, and I could REALLY use some support right now.
Any advice would be appreciated.. any kind words... any jokes, anything...

November 19th, 2006

(no subject)

Hey Guys!,
This is Rachael reporting LIVE from IP. My Goddess, this is what I needed the whole time. Its still REALLY hard, and I still cant do everything, and sometimes I cry over food and menus, but Monte Nido is the place to be!
6 women and 30 staff...
It was sort of hard, because I moved in friday of parents weekend, so at night there were only two of us in the house because everyone else was allowed out on pass. This place is incredible though... its 3 stories.... has a gym, a jacuzzi, an organic herb and fruit garden, an amazing backyard and tree house, decks everywhere... its just amazing, and all the staff are recovered, which is really super helpfull. I havent really been in any therapy yet besides family groups, but thats because of what this weekend is/was. I know that its going to be a REALLY hard battle. I know that more now than before I got here, but I know I can fight it, and that this is the place to do it. Yesterday we went to starbucks and the beach... and today we are going to a SPA!
Im getting a thai massage and then doing acrylic nails for the first time since I relapsed.

I love you all... Please e mail me from time to time... im pretty lonely right now :)

November 17th, 2006

(no subject)

Hello My Little Revolutionaries,
Today was my last day in my partial program and I go IP tomorrow.  Im so scared...Im having an existential crisis about it, really and truly.....
Im worried about every little last thing that I could possibly be worried about.
Im scared of going back to college after...im scared that my house and car and stuff is still half way across the country at my Uni...
Im scared that I value thiness (for myself) and that could be a problem.
Im scared that im never satisfied in relationships....
Oh heck... Im scared that Ill die never having felt like a success, or anything.  Im scared that if I do die being successfull, then..... well, then what?

So... as you can see... im freaking out....
This is my first time in IP, and hopefully the only time.

I had a really nice last day in partial.  We have a ceremony when we leave called a milestone.  You read your "eaters agreement"... but I wrote a livers agreement, because im going to a higher level of care.  I read my goodbye letter to the scale and actually cried reading the last page of it....it was really hard...
then we did  a scale bashing, which was really really emotionally hard for me.  My scale is my crack.  I got orange roses and people went around and said amazing things about me.  I hope they are true.
Everyone gets a rock at their milestone that says a word, and mine said "I AM."  because my therapist said... I cant describe you at all... youre incredible... and you dont change for anyone, and youre.... well, you just are... period.

Im all cahtty because im really anxious and I feel like I should be basking in my eating disorder since it is the night before I go IP.... but for some reason im not, but I really feel like if I really had an eating disorder, then I would be doing it.... ahhhhh head games!

November 10th, 2006


(no subject)


Hey all,  like I posted before, I am going inpatient this coming tuesday.
In my absence the sensationally fantastic Ms Fausey has offered her services as co moderator....
Please give her a warm welcome by saying Hi and behaving yourselves :)... not that you dont usually, it was just fun to say.
I most likely will still be around from time to time to catch up and say hi, but cant be around enough to mod for the time being.

I wish you all well on your journeys......
I am reachable on a constant basis at twistedbarbie@gmail.com if you want to say hi, or offer me words of encouracement, or tell me what is going on with you.  I will have a computer there, but not too much time.  It would make my day to hear from you all.

November 9th, 2006

(no subject)

Hey All,
Its been a long time since ive posted in here, I know...
Ive been in my partial program working my back end off, but ive ben getting worse for the most part.  Ive learned a lot about myself and my disorder, but the behaviours arent improving at all.
As of now, I go into residential next tuesday.
the only catch?
I have to have the restriction on my band loosened before I go in.
Im scared to death.
Some people are afraid of heights... snakes... drowning...
Im afraid of not having my band.
Im scared, and im trying really hard to pretend its not happening, but I dont know how long that will work.
I feel the need to practice as many of my behaviours as possible, but I dont want to PUSH myself to do it just because I wont be able to soon.
The headgames are crazy!
Im ready to surrender.
I need to give all this up to someone else for a while.
Anyway, I  wanted to keep you guys in the loop...

October 25th, 2006

Hey, i havent introduced myself yet. I am Shelby and i had wls April 2006 at 320pounds. I am 5'10" tall, and some days i just want to smack myself for not accepting 'good enough'...

...im having a mental battle with myself today, and im not sure which 'me' is winning. Normally i am so self confident, but i have a SERIOUS competitive side to me....and i battle my own limits constantly...sometimes destructively.

*more under cut, for length*
Read more...Collapse )

October 18th, 2006

(no subject)

Hey All,
I have been recording things related to being in treatment in my own blog.
if youre interested.

I hope you are all well or on the path to getting there.

Peace love and awesomeness

October 13th, 2006

(no subject)


Happy friday the 13th
Im freaking the fuck out. I wake up to a call from EDCCa this morning (the IOP program) that I start monday. HELL NO!
I still want my eating disorder. Im attached and I want it and YOU cant take it away from me!
Im not ready....
I have to sign a contract right away and they want me to "challenge myself."
Getting out of bed in the morning is challenging myself.
Getting dressed is challenging myself.
Functioning around other people is challenging myself.
EATING? Thats not a challenge, thats a fucking NIGHTMARE.
And im scared that outpatient is going to make me worse. My eating disorder is already telling me that I am NOT eating what Im supposed to before and after and that I WILL weigh myself the same way at home as I do now. I WILL do all my nightly crunches.
I cant do this guys... I dont know what to do.
I dont want it to make me better, but I dont want it to make me worse.
I know that residential is the right route for me ,but now they are saying mid november (it was originally late september).
Im not ready to switch therapists. I love my therapist... she actually helps.
Im not ready to start over.
Im not ready to function normally.
Im not ready to eat normally.
I dont want to do this.
I love my eating disorder... I really do.
Im not ready to say goodbye.

10:08 AM
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